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Eloise Tomkins: Hello and welcome to another episode of the rich woman rising. Podcast I'm your host, Eloise Tompkins, and I am a money coach and psychologist. And I've also decided that I'm a little bit of a nervous system rebel as well, because I love talking about the nervous system. I love talking about money, and I help you to
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Eloise Tomkins: remember who the fuck you are, so that you can build a business that is regulated so that you can make more money in a way that feels good for you. And
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Eloise Tomkins: today oh, I want to talk about
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Eloise Tomkins: the patriarchy. I want to talk about how the patriarchy is designed to keep women broke.
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Eloise Tomkins: burnt out, and quite frankly competing against each other. The patriarchy
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Eloise Tomkins: has women turning against each other, and it baffles me to see this, but I have so many opinions on this, and
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Eloise Tomkins: I don't know. I'm curious to know what you think, and whether this lands for how this lands for you.
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Eloise Tomkins: So let's talk about it.
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Eloise Tomkins: Now, this isn't something new where I've spoken about how
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Eloise Tomkins: gosh! As soon as we find out someone is pregnant all of a sudden
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Eloise Tomkins: we're like, well, what's the gender have these gender reveals? Don't even get me started on. Gender reveals
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Eloise Tomkins: hate. The idea of gender reveals
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Eloise Tomkins: because one, it's not gender. It's the sex of the baby, and it just annoys me so much. But anyway.
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Eloise Tomkins: that's the 1st thing right. People are like, oh, you're having a boy or a girl. Do we get you pink or blue? We need to know, so that we can figure out what to buy. And then once you find out, then
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Eloise Tomkins: it's like you're having a girl. Oh, my goodness! Oh, she's gonna be such a sweet little thing
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Eloise Tomkins: like the language that is used before someone is even born
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Eloise Tomkins: is already setting the trajectory of their life up before they've even become Earthside, and it just
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Eloise Tomkins: baffles me. I remember talking to someone who had boys, and she said, Oh, well.
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Eloise Tomkins: you know, I've always given my kids the option of boys, toys, or girls toys, and they always want boys toys. So we haven't tried to gender them. It's just happened. It's just how boys are.
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Eloise Tomkins: And I was like,
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Eloise Tomkins: okay. So when you put the TV on, or when you had people come and visit when you went to the shops, what were they seeing there? What were they doing? How were they interacting? And
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Eloise Tomkins: turns out other people were buying them air quote boys toys. Other people were buying them air quote boys clothes. So we pick up all of these messages from society, left, right, and center. It's not just our parenting. It is also all of these other messages that influence
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Eloise Tomkins: how children, young children will perceive the world and perceive themselves and their own gender identity as well right. And as women
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Eloise Tomkins: we are born with this idea of well, girls are just more nurturing.
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Eloise Tomkins: No, no, we're not.
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Eloise Tomkins: That is inbuilt into us through social conditioning. It is inbuilt through.
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Eloise Tomkins: You're so lucky to have a girl. She's going to be so sweet, and then people reward girls. Oh, she brought you a coffee! Look at her looking after her mother, or
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Eloise Tomkins: all of these rewards that young kids are getting because they're a girl.
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Eloise Tomkins: And so you can't tell me that it is because we are being we're just born that way
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Eloise Tomkins: that bullshit it is socialized. And then what continues to happen
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Eloise Tomkins: is not only is it that we are socialized that way.
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Eloise Tomkins: We are then also socialized to be mean to other women.
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Eloise Tomkins: We're not taught to be nice to other girls.
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Eloise Tomkins: We've learned to identify other women as competition.
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Eloise Tomkins: Now this happens, I guess less so young young.
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Eloise Tomkins: and it starts to develop in those teenage years
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Eloise Tomkins: where we start to learn that other girls are prettier than us. They're skinnier than us. They've got blonder hair than us, and
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Eloise Tomkins: it's in these really subtle ways. And you know this isn't stuff that you've heard that you haven't heard before. Magazines and social media, and all of that kind of stuff, you know, like, we know that we absorb messages from that kind of content. All of this is
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Eloise Tomkins: filtering in messages around what we think we should look.
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Eloise Tomkins: what our body should look like, how we should dress, what clothes we should buy, how we should present ourselves, how we should speak to other people.
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Eloise Tomkins: And the thing is, though what we learn is that there's only so much success power, love
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Eloise Tomkins: that goes around, and if you don't fit into these very narrow, stereotypical categories, then
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Eloise Tomkins: that's it. You're out. You're on the outside. You don't belong.
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Eloise Tomkins: And for women
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Eloise Tomkins: like us? Who are the rebels? Who are the disruptors, who aren't the one that fit into the mold that can be really isolating, that can be really jarring to feel like who you are isn't enough, and that you don't fit in.
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Eloise Tomkins: It can be shit, and
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Eloise Tomkins: we get praise in some ways for not being like those other girls, not being like the the bullies or the girls who wear.
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Eloise Tomkins: I don't know particular outfits, and
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Eloise Tomkins: that's not to say that doing those things, or to be that way is a problem if that's how you want to be. But I think the thing is, a lot of us don't know who we want to be, or how we want to dress, or how we want to behave, or even the type of career that we want to go into, because we're just kind of shuffled along almost like this little
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Eloise Tomkins: I'm thinking I don't know what it's called. Actually, I'm seeing it in my mind, but I don't know the word of it, I'm thinking like sheeps. You know how you go shear the sheeps, or you heard the sheeps into the God! I don't know. If you're a farmer you would probably have more knowledge of this, but hopefully getting the gist of what I'm going to say. I don't know what that's called. Oh, my goodness, it shows how much I go to the country. I am so not a country girl.
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Eloise Tomkins: but
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Eloise Tomkins: what we learn is that there's only so much to go around right, and if someone else has it, she has it. Then you can't have it.
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Eloise Tomkins: So. If you want what she has, then you need to work hard so that you can get it because you essentially have. We've learned that we have to take it off someone. If we want
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Eloise Tomkins: what she's got, there's not enough for both of us to stand on this platform. We can't
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Eloise Tomkins: simultaneously be successful. We can't both simultaneously
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Eloise Tomkins: do the same thing. It just doesn't work that way, and
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Eloise Tomkins: I don't know. I find this crazy. How like I think back to my school life, and I remember Holy Moly one time my high school best friend got her hair dyed for the 1st time, and I wanted to get my hair dyed, and you know I was like, Oh, I want to get my hair dyed and mum
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Eloise Tomkins: took me down to the hairdresser, and we got my hair dyed, I'm like, Oh, my, gosh, but my! She's gonna get jealous. She's gonna get angry. She's going to be annoyed at me because she did it. And now I'm doing it.
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Eloise Tomkins: and my mum's response was, We'll just lie.
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Eloise Tomkins: and I can't remember what the lie was. I can't have no idea.
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Eloise Tomkins: but it comes back to that idea of. If they've done something you can't do it, too, and look
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Eloise Tomkins: nuance. You know I love a little bit of nuance. I'm not talking about full on copying someone, pulling their ideas and doing the exact same thing like in your business, for example, or going onto someone's website, pulling their copy and using it as your own. Of course not like Duh. But I'm talking about, you know, like
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Eloise Tomkins: you want to. And I see this in psychology all the time, like, people are like, Oh, I want to start an online coaching business. But there's already like other people doing it. So why bother bother because you're you, and you can absolutely do it. One other person doing it. There's still hundreds of thousands of people out there that need your work.
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Eloise Tomkins: But we don't do it because
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Eloise Tomkins: we've been conditioned that if we do something and it Heaven forbid! Steps on another woman's toes, then we can't do that
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Eloise Tomkins: because we're worried about hurting their feelings. We're worried about being judged. We're worried about being copied, not being copied. We're worried about all of these external things. And
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Eloise Tomkins: and instead of actually being inspired by it, right? So instead of being inspired by the fact that it's possible for someone else, therefore it's possible for us. No, we then just think we can't or shouldn't do it. Which then keeps us in this comparison mode against other women, and we we don't trust other women. We've constantly got vigilance with other women, and what then happens
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Eloise Tomkins: is the patriarchy, like the patriarchal systems, benefit when women are distracted, fighting each other rather than
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Eloise Tomkins: actually challenging these structures that keep us small because think about it.
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Eloise Tomkins: If women are so busy fighting each other because we've been socially trained into this scarcity mindset that there's not enough to go around. There's not enough. I remember when I was younger.
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Eloise Tomkins: back in the days when I thought I was straight and was dating men. There was this view around. Oh, there's more women than men, so you better get in quick, because if you don't, you're not going to get a partner, and it's like I look back on that. I'm like, Oh, my God!
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Eloise Tomkins: Really, scarcity of men like what? What the heck
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Eloise Tomkins: so we internalize that as competition, and therefore
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Eloise Tomkins: it keeps us in this dynamic, where women are clawing against each other, and
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Eloise Tomkins: we then don't have enough energy to expend on other things like, I don't know getting to know who we are and what we want getting to.
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Eloise Tomkins: build a life that feels good for us, or do things that bring us joy or look at the toxic masculinity. We don't do any of that because
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Eloise Tomkins: we're too busy clashing with each other. We're not working with each other, we're clashing with each other.
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Eloise Tomkins: And so, because society rewards that society rewards women who
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Eloise Tomkins: don't take up too much space, who follow the status quo who
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Eloise Tomkins: have the follow the pathway right? Like, there's this pathway. You finish school. Maybe you go to university. Maybe you get a job.
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Eloise Tomkins: You find a partner, a man get married.
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Eloise Tomkins: buy a dog, the white picket fence, nice car, have babies
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Eloise Tomkins: have a good career. Oh, no, the woman takes mat leave, though.
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Eloise Tomkins: and relies on their husband, and
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Eloise Tomkins: then at 40 wonders why she's fucking miserable.
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Eloise Tomkins: The amount of women I have seen in my psych practice
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Eloise Tomkins: back in the day. Huh? Wild, because
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Eloise Tomkins: we're not taught to think critically. We're just taught to follow again the sheep. And then we wonder why we're fucking miserable. That is why you're miserable.
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Eloise Tomkins: But again, we're not quite like that. We've already gone against the status quo. We've started a business we've said I want more money.
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Eloise Tomkins: I want to do things differently, but
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Eloise Tomkins: by unlearning all of this conditioning
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Eloise Tomkins: it's hard work, it's exhausting, and a lot of women don't want to do it, because
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Eloise Tomkins: there's this false, very false sense of security by wrapping themselves up in a blanket of
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Eloise Tomkins: that societal lens. There's some safety in that perceived safety. It's not really safe. It just keeps women stuck. It will keep future generations of women stuck. And again, this is why I do the work that I do, because I
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Eloise Tomkins: want you to unlearn that conditioning, because when we unlearn this conditioning.
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Eloise Tomkins: we, as women, become fucking unstoppable.
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Eloise Tomkins: But we need to do that together. We cannot
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Eloise Tomkins: do this individually. It just doesn't work right? Because.
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Eloise Tomkins: oh, yeah, it just doesn't work. We're we're community-based. We cannot do that
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Eloise Tomkins: when. And I guess, like thinking about it and drawing that link to money and our business right. Think about how all of what all of that means for you and your business.
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Eloise Tomkins: because when we've got all of that conditioning, when we've got all of these messages that have come through so strongly.
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Eloise Tomkins: then it is so tough to take up space
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Eloise Tomkins: in our business, to grab the camera, to record a video post it on social media and have other people watching it.
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Eloise Tomkins: because
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Eloise Tomkins: I mean half the time. They're not even judging you to be honest. But even if they did, it doesn't matter. They're not paying your bills.
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Eloise Tomkins: but our own anxiety because of what we've been socialized to believe is running the show.
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Eloise Tomkins: and the more that as women, we can come together and go, and and I also hate. I just want to add on like, add on that, because I think, as women, we need to come together and really support each other. And there's so many.
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Eloise Tomkins: Gosh! I see it all the time in networking groups. Oh, we support women and Yay women!
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Eloise Tomkins: What's underneath that, though, which really irritates me is that we say that we're supporting women. But how we're supporting women is
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Eloise Tomkins: we're supporting women because they're in the room.
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Eloise Tomkins: and they've paid for a ticket, even if their business is average.
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Eloise Tomkins: will still support them, because they've paid for a ticket to be in the room.
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Eloise Tomkins: And I think that's bullshit. I think that's
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Eloise Tomkins: perpetuating the collective survival response. If I'm completely honest, I think it's still perpetuating that mean girl conditioning because it's like you buy a seat at the table and you belong.
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Eloise Tomkins: But it's not. You belong, just because the work that you're doing is good, or that you
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Eloise Tomkins: are offering something of value. It's you belong, because you've paid to be here. And then when people
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Eloise Tomkins: don't pay for a ticket, that's it. They're out and look. Don't get me wrong again. Nuance. I get that, you know, networking events. Yada Yada Yada need to make money, but I do think it's built on this foundation of scarcity. I think a lot of networking events are often built on this
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Eloise Tomkins: undercurrent of scarcity of. I need to go to this networking event. I need to get clients, and that's my primary reason to go to this networking event is clients. So I'm going there
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Eloise Tomkins: from operating from this energy. And I'm not there to actually collaborate and build relationships. I'm going there because I'm desperate.
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Eloise Tomkins: not my vibe, which is why in my world I want to build
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Eloise Tomkins: a regulated community. And I want to build a community of women that do come together that are able to.
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Eloise Tomkins: I don't know, like, sit with other women who
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Eloise Tomkins: are running a business because they want to be there.
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Eloise Tomkins: not because they're forced to be there
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Eloise Tomkins: who are going to stand up for another woman.
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Eloise Tomkins: because women matter, not because
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Eloise Tomkins: they've paid for a seat in the room, or they haven't paid for a seat in the room.
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Eloise Tomkins: But because there's something deeper, I think, as humans, and particularly as women. We have been so disconnected from each other because of this competition
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Eloise Tomkins: that we've forgotten how to hold each other.
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Eloise Tomkins: We've forgotten how to actually be supportive.
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Eloise Tomkins: and I don't think it's helpful so
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Eloise Tomkins: to be able to be regulated and really hold and celebrate another woman's success without
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Eloise Tomkins: drawing ourselves into that scarcity mode of going. Oh, my goodness, if she's got it, I can't. I'm not enough. And like then snowballing and spiraling and feeling shit about ourselves. Oh.
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Eloise Tomkins: how good would it be not to feel that way? And what if collaboration was actually our like our own rebellion? Right like? What if that was our way of kind of taking back our power and saying, No.
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Eloise Tomkins: I am worthy. I'm worthy of money. I'm worthy of wealth.
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Eloise Tomkins: I'm worthy to be me, and I'm not going to put myself in this box just because society has told me that I'm going to put myself in this box.
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Eloise Tomkins: because when women can kind of help, like co-regulate with each other, and truly lift each other up. Then
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Eloise Tomkins: that's when money is really going to start to flow, particularly for women.
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Eloise Tomkins: But I don't think it's going to flow as freely
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Eloise Tomkins: until we learn how to really embrace connection with each other, because
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Eloise Tomkins: we were never meant to compete with each other. Women were just not meant to compete with each other.
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Eloise Tomkins: We were meant to rise together, and
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Eloise Tomkins: the patriarchal systems that have benefited from our disconnection
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Eloise Tomkins: fuck that they're on modus, because that's it.
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Eloise Tomkins: You know I'm using my voice and saying, That's it. I'm done because and I want you to say that, too. I want you to have that permission to say, that's it. I'm fucking done
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Eloise Tomkins: because things won't change for our generation and for future generations. If we continue to stay silent if we and I'm not talking about standing up on
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Eloise Tomkins: platforms and saying, this is shit and things need to change.
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Eloise Tomkins: I'm talking about taking that individual action.
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Eloise Tomkins: learning to regulate yourself so that you can hold that space for other women. Because when we're able to regulate when we're able to
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Eloise Tomkins: be so fucking tuned into ourselves.
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Eloise Tomkins: Another person's accomplishments or life
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Eloise Tomkins: doesn't actually affect us, because we're so connected with who we are as a person.
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Eloise Tomkins: And I just think that is the most underrated
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Eloise Tomkins: skill and resource that we can have, and when you do that.
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Eloise Tomkins: that's when life changes for the better.
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Eloise Tomkins: I remember. Oh, gosh! I don't know where this was. I'm going to end on this story.
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Eloise Tomkins: because otherwise I'll just keep talking. I don't. Oh, gosh! I wish I could remember where this was, but I remember seeing something somewhere, and it was about this old grumpy bastard at a airport.
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Eloise Tomkins: and he was grumpy and just I don't know, sitting on the waiting area chairs at boarding gates, just grumpy as. And there was this little girl, and she went up to him, smiling and laughing, and just not a care in the world. And
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Eloise Tomkins: the mother of the child thought to herself, Oh, no, this is not going to end well, this guy looks like a grumpy bugger.
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Eloise Tomkins: and what ended up happening is the daughter's energy
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Eloise Tomkins: was so contagious that that old grumpy dude couldn't help but
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Eloise Tomkins: absorbed that energy, and he ended up playing with her, laughing with having a great time before the flight took off.
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Eloise Tomkins: And that is the power of making these changes, because if you make this change, and you step into your most authentic, powerful self that makes the wild money that does these incredible things with your business. You are not taking away from someone else.
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Eloise Tomkins: Right? You are showing other women what is possible.
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Eloise Tomkins: and if you show another woman what is possible, and then she decides to go on her own journey.
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Eloise Tomkins: and shows another woman what's possible, and that ripples out.
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Eloise Tomkins: Can you imagine what kind of world we would be living in.
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Eloise Tomkins: So that's what I'm talking about.
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Eloise Tomkins: We need to stop letting the way society has currently
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Eloise Tomkins: conditioned us to be the only way forward.
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Eloise Tomkins: because, quite frankly, if we keep doing that, that path sucks.
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Eloise Tomkins: And on that note I feel like I need a big, deep sigh. After that.
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Eloise Tomkins: if there is any woman in your world that you think needs to hear this conversation send this podcast episode to her right. Now.
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Eloise Tomkins: because more women need to be hearing this conversation.
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Eloise Tomkins: and if you don't have anyone in your world that needs to hear this conversation, then the next best thing that you can do is leave a review of this podcast with some words, because that always helps rather than just the rating because that'll help get this podcast out to more listeners. So if you've listened this far, I appreciate you so much, and
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Eloise Tomkins: would love if you could forward this episode to someone else, or leave a review below
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Eloise Tomkins: until next week. Have fun making money in your business. I'll chat to you all soon.
