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Eloise Tomkins: Hello, welcome back to another episode of the rich woman rising. Podcast I'm your host, Eloise Tompkins. And I'm a money coach and psychologist. And I help women to shift their relationship with money through regulating the nervous system. And
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Eloise Tomkins: I want to share today. A situation that actually happened recently. Where? Oh, my goodness! And it's probably happened to you many times as well, because let's face it.
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Eloise Tomkins: We go into business, and there are so many people in this world, and a lot of people are really nice people. And then you get people who are
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Eloise Tomkins: I don't want to say not nice, but they've got their own biases right? And we all have our own biases. We all come into the world with our own biases, and then we project them onto other people. And that is just what it is like. That's how the world rolls. We all have our own unique filter. And interestingly, I was talking to someone about our filter
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Eloise Tomkins: the other day I was having. So you know, because I'm a psychologist, I still partake in supervision. I still
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Eloise Tomkins: continue my education and my learning essentially. And I was talking with someone the other day, and we were talking about the idea of this filter, and she described it in this really cool way that I'd never thought of before. But now I'm going to pinch it off her, which I told her because it was brilliant. But she was explaining that like a filter.
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Eloise Tomkins: we all have a filter, and it's like a kaleidoscope. And we've got this kaleidoscope that we're kind of looking at the world through, and that influences how
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Eloise Tomkins: we receive the information. Now, the person next to you. They've got their own kaleidoscope that they're looking through. And so they've still got the same world or the same information coming in. But it's going to hit them differently. They're going to see, perceive it differently. And so are you at any other given point in time? Because, you know, you shift a kaleidoscope around, and it changes a little. Right? So
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Eloise Tomkins: I thought that was just a really cool analogy to kind of
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Eloise Tomkins: help understand that we all have that. And that's how we view the world around us. Now.
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Eloise Tomkins: I share this because
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Eloise Tomkins: I'm super aware that the way I see the world is not how other people are going to see the world.
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Eloise Tomkins: And that's okay. Well, when it comes to certain things, I guess, but
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Eloise Tomkins: we're not all going to share the same values. We're not all going to share the same beliefs. We're not all going to share the same ideas and things that are important to us.
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Eloise Tomkins: And that's okay. That's what makes the world go round.
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Eloise Tomkins: But what can also happen, particularly for women who have been so conditioned to
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Eloise Tomkins: think that other people's opinions are the be all, and end all, because other people's needs, beliefs, wants are more important than our own that's been so heavily conditioned into us. We
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Eloise Tomkins: hold on to what other people say and think, and try and make our kaleidoscope fit theirs. And so we're constantly trying to maneuver our kaleidoscope so that it matches their perception.
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Eloise Tomkins: And that just leaves us feeling really burnt out and exhausted because we're constantly like changing ourselves for other people. And I was reminded of this when I logged onto my Youtube channel. So for those of you who don't know. I have a Youtube channel and I post recordings on there, and some Youtube shorts on the Youtube Channel at the moment.
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Eloise Tomkins: And I had someone comment on a recent video that I'd posted where I swore. And if you're listening to my, podcast, you know that I swear sometimes and I don't shy away from it.
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Eloise Tomkins: and I'll go into why shortly. But the comment from the person was something along the lines of swearing is unprofessional. You shouldn't do that. And I want to be able to see your Youtube channel grow on the surface. That sounds
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Eloise Tomkins: nice. They're caring. They want to help right?
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Eloise Tomkins: I laughed.
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Eloise Tomkins: not because it was funny, not like the ha! Ha! Kind of funny, but because it was just classic fucking textbook of somebody who waltzes along, watches this 60 second clip of me, and has no idea who I am, what I'm about, what my mission is, who I'm
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Eloise Tomkins: trying to speak to in my message, and they've come along and told me that. No, they don't like me essentially, and
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Eloise Tomkins: passed me unregulated me would have died, and would have been like. Oh, my God! I need to take this down immediately, because I would have felt so much shame. I would have been like, Oh, my God! Someone has seen me and criticized me. I would have wanted to pull the video down, and then I would have been ruminating and thinking, Oh, my gosh! Are they right like? Should I not have posted that? Should I not swear? Should I stop swearing?
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Eloise Tomkins: And look, I'm not going to lie. It's not the 1st time that somebody has commented on my swearing.
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Eloise Tomkins: and that could make me turn around and think should I stop swearing?
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Eloise Tomkins: And that is one potential scenario, right? But the thing is being regulated
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Eloise Tomkins: helps me to anchor into who I am, who Eloise is what my mission is, and sure I want to help a lot of women. I want to help a lot of women with their relationship with money by regulating the nervous system and rewiring themselves for wealth.
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Eloise Tomkins: and part of the reason that I swear is
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Eloise Tomkins: because I'm tired of being told to dull down my own voice.
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Eloise Tomkins: and I've been told to double down my own voice for the longest time since childhood.
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Eloise Tomkins: And no, I'm not going to dull it down anymore for anyone. And if people don't vibe with that, then you know what? That's okay, no hard feelings.
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Eloise Tomkins: We're just not for each other. And and you know what? That's okay. Like, I was having this conversation with a client recently where it's okay. If someone doesn't vibe with you, if someone doesn't like you, if someone has a different opinion of you, and it can feel really uncomfortable because we have been conditioned to want people to like us like we hold a lot of our worth on whether people like us.
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Eloise Tomkins: because it's been conditioned from a very young age. Be a good girl, do the right thing.
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Eloise Tomkins: Do the thing that you don't want to do.
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Eloise Tomkins: because it's more important that the other person is comfortable. And so from that we learn it's more important that people like me than being authentic. But authenticity is one of my biggest values.
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Eloise Tomkins: one of my biggest.
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Eloise Tomkins: And that is why I show up online. And I swear
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Eloise Tomkins: and I'm not perfect. I never claim that I'm perfect, and I don't want to be perfect.
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Eloise Tomkins: and I don't want to attract everyone into my world like how fucking boring would that be!
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Eloise Tomkins: And I would attract the wrong clients. I would attract the people who want this super polished, super perfect version of me. That doesn't exist that doesn't exist for anyone.
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Eloise Tomkins: And no, it's it's not me and I'm I. I can
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Eloise Tomkins: stay anchored in that because of regulation, and
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Eloise Tomkins: that means that when comments like that come, they don't hit hard.
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Eloise Tomkins: They just. It's like water off a dog's back.
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Eloise Tomkins: which is a really nice feeling, and it might not sound like that now, because I'm talking about it. So, you know, and I'm kind of mindful of that. But like I think it's the thing I think it's just this interesting reflection that I've had that passed me would have absolutely have been triggered by that, and had all of these really strong emotions. And you know, current me is just like, huh! That's really interesting thanks for your feedback.
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Eloise Tomkins: Great to know that we're not a good fit. Have a good day. And I wanted to share that with you, because I know that this is something
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Eloise Tomkins: that people really struggle with and
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Eloise Tomkins: like. I want you to think about where it came from for you, because
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Eloise Tomkins: for me, when I remember when I was a kid, I
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Eloise Tomkins: as kids, we didn't have a lot of control growing up, and what I mean by that. And again I was talking with a client about this just recently. We didn't have a lot of control. We were in the school system. Then we came home and our parents decided what food we had in the house, and maybe we had a little bit of choice over it. But we didn't have a heck of a lot of control. We're kind of at the mercy of just, you know, other people.
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Eloise Tomkins: And so we try and find little snippets of control wherever we could, and for me
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Eloise Tomkins: that was my voice and swearing because
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Eloise Tomkins: I didn't feel like there was a lot of other control that I could have in my life, and so I remember when I was a child.
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Eloise Tomkins: My.
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Eloise Tomkins: I don't know where I heard it, but there was this saying, that would go around. Bloody is in the Bible. Bloody is in the book. If you don't bloody, believe me, take a bloody good look. And so, when I was a kid, I would say words like not even bad swear words. They weren't even swear words. It was like bloody, like bloody hell, and my dad would be like, don't say that.
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Eloise Tomkins: And my little brain was like, Oh, that sparked a reaction. Interesting! And
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Eloise Tomkins: so I would say it. Don't say it, I'm like, well, you can't control what comes out of my mouth, and you know it's in the Bible. Have a look. I'm not religious at all, but you know that saying just made me connect with it, and I liked it. I'm like, well, you know, that's something that you can't control. And then over the years it like as I got older, and then, as I turned 18, I would continue to swear, and Dad would hate it.
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Eloise Tomkins: And
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Eloise Tomkins: because I hadn't felt like there was a lot of control. It was something that made me feel good, like I had control. I had my voice, and maybe that's not the best reason to swear. And you know that's a reflection that I can take. And I have, and I've decided, fuck it.
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Eloise Tomkins: I want to swear, because for me it feels authentic
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Eloise Tomkins: again, not for everyone. That's okay, totally get it. We each have our own values and beliefs. Again, it's okay.
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Eloise Tomkins: But for me it doesn't faze me. I don't really care when people swear, and when I do, when I do hear people swear, I kind of think.
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Eloise Tomkins: what is that activating in me? What is that bringing up? What meaning am I making of that? Why am I like? Why do I think it's okay for me to say certain things, but not for others. So for me, it's become a really reflective piece. But it's not about the swearing right? It's about the meaning that we make of it, and all of the beliefs that we put onto it. And for me it was about taking back my own control, using my own voice, taking back my power in the only way that I could
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Eloise Tomkins: as a child which has continued into my adulthood right? Because we know that childhood patterns continue when we're an adult. So here we are, and whether you know it's the right thing to do or not, it is what it is, and this is the life that I'm the path that I'm choosing for myself.
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Eloise Tomkins: And that means that
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Eloise Tomkins: because I'm making these choices, because this is how my my authenticity comes out. This is real for me. And so it's not
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Eloise Tomkins: about the swearing, though it's
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Eloise Tomkins: goes deeper than that, because if I stopped for what other people wanted me to do, and when you stop speaking your truth, whether it's swearing, or whether it's not saying the price, or whether you're listening to Uncle Frank at Christmas dinner, continuing to harp on about
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Eloise Tomkins: whether you've got a partner now or oh, you've gained some weight, or what else do they talk about? Racist comments? Whatever it is, we just have this tendency to sit politely and listen because we're like, Oh, I don't want to rock the boat, but
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Eloise Tomkins: when we do that we're censoring ourselves, and it is it comes down to, I think, this desire to want to be polished, to not rock the boat to be likable, and we think that kind of hiding our true selves is the only way to stay safe and unsuccessful. Oh, my God! To stay successful! Gosh! That was a Freudian slip, but
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Eloise Tomkins: that that's kind of why I see how we diminish our voices, and we do it in so many ways. But what actually happens when we do not use our voice to its full power
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Eloise Tomkins: is we burn out because we're trying to do all of the right things. But we don't actually know what's right? Because that kaleidoscope, it's different for everyone. And we become just overloaded because we
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Eloise Tomkins: running on all of this adrenaline because we're trying to just not do the wrong thing.
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Eloise Tomkins: and we then
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Eloise Tomkins: filter ourselves and try and be a professional. And it's interesting. Actually had a conversation with someone recently who reached out to me, and she was like, Oh, my gosh! Like I love that you show up so authentic can't speak today authentically.
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Eloise Tomkins: authentically. I was trying to say I was floating between authenticity and authentically. And you know when your brain just struggles with a word, or I just had one of those brain glitch moments. But she was like, Wow, you know, I'm so impressed by that. She's like, I still feel like I filter myself. And I'm like, Yeah, because we do. We filter ourselves so much, and
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Eloise Tomkins: we have so much value in what we have to say. And I really want you to be able to stand up, speak, and share your sole purpose.
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Eloise Tomkins: which is going to offend people. It is going to annoy people. It is going to upset people. It is going to rock some people's boats.
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Eloise Tomkins: It's going to throw their kaleidoscope out of the whack. They're not going to like what you're saying.
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Eloise Tomkins: And that's okay. Because underneath all of that we hold a lot of shame because we just one
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Eloise Tomkins: so badly to fit in to be like to be
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Eloise Tomkins: accepted. And when we're not when we go against that and try to be ourselves. We're not used to it.
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Eloise Tomkins: and we need to untangle it
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Eloise Tomkins: so that you, because when you do use your voice, it helps you make more money, it helps you run a business that feels aligned for you. It helps you attract the right type of clients and like it just has so much power.
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Eloise Tomkins: And I think we underestimate that.
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Eloise Tomkins: And it's also hard to do like. It's really hard to kind of stand up and use your voice. I remember actually a couple of years back I was at a dinner with a friend and their mother and
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Eloise Tomkins: Their mother was talking about.
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Eloise Tomkins: gosh! I kind of remember I just kind of remember the gist she kept referring to the person that we were talking about who wasn't with us. It was like some random person, and she kept referring to the person as their ethnicity.
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Eloise Tomkins: And I was getting really irritated because that had no impact on the story. And I'm like, why do you keep raising that person's ethnicity like, why do you? Why is that so important
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Eloise Tomkins: for the conversation like, does it matter? It really doesn't matter. And it was to me it was coming across as like a racist comment, and past me would have just sat there and smiled and nodded, and felt really uncomfortable with it.
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Eloise Tomkins: Present me was like.
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Eloise Tomkins: I just don't understand what her ethnicity has to do with the conversation that we're having right now.
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Eloise Tomkins: and that was all I said. I didn't. I was just curious, like it came from a place of genuine curiosity because I was curious, like, maybe I'm missing something. Maybe I'm misinterpreting the comments. Maybe there's some more meaning. And she immediately shut down. And it was really interesting like, she stopped talking about that person. She stopped mentioning their ethnicity. And I was like, Huh! That's interesting. Because
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Eloise Tomkins: when we call people out on their comments and on their behaviour.
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Eloise Tomkins: it shines a mirror up to them in terms of oh, why am I doing this?
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Eloise Tomkins: And
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Eloise Tomkins: we need to actually have more regulation within ourselves to be able to have those types of conversations. And when we're regulated we can have more resilience for those situations that occur. So regulation is resilience, and then we can start making change in the world by calling out like uncomfortable behaviors, right? Another example that I was talking with someone. I think I saw a post on Linkedin, and I was like, Oh, my gosh! This is so relevant where
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Eloise Tomkins: they went to, and I think it was some networking event.
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Eloise Tomkins: They rocked up, and somebody at the end said, Oh, how did you find it? And they were like, well, wasn't what I expected.
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Eloise Tomkins: and even though the person who asked that comment wasn't even the host.
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Eloise Tomkins: They got so offended that this person had said, oh, I didn't have a good time.
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Eloise Tomkins: and you know, the person who said I didn't have a good time was just like.
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Eloise Tomkins: Why does this impact you so much? You're not even the host like this has nothing to do with you, and
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Eloise Tomkins: it just shows that as even as women we don't like, we don't feel comfortable when
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Eloise Tomkins: other women people share their truths, we feel uncomfortable with it. So it's this multi-layered experience that we have.
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Eloise Tomkins: So if we don't feel comfortable when other people share our truths, we don't feel comfortable sharing our truths. We've got women who are just feeling very uncomfortable with
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Eloise Tomkins: vulnerability and emotions, and that comes from a place because we haven't been modeled how to do that. We've been modeled just to be polite, just to be nice, just to be the good girl. And so we try. We try to be that. But then, underneath all of that.
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Eloise Tomkins: what exists? Shame, resentment, because we can't match up to these expectations that aren't even ours.
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Eloise Tomkins: Shame, resentment for seeing other women who are able to assert themselves set boundaries, and also resentment at the fact that they can't do that themselves.
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Eloise Tomkins: But these are skills that can be learnt.
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Eloise Tomkins: and a foundational piece for that is being able to regulate your nervous system, so that instead of having someone
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Eloise Tomkins: put a comment on your social media posts
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Eloise Tomkins: that leaves you feeling rattled and then spending the entire day going. Oh, my God! Should I have done that?
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Eloise Tomkins: Said that posted that you can go. Huh!
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Eloise Tomkins: Interesting! That's not mine to carry and let it go.
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Eloise Tomkins: And and that is the work that I do. That is absolutely the work that I do, and it's such important work.
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Eloise Tomkins: And this is why I say that the real strategy behind wealth is regulation.
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Eloise Tomkins: because you can have money coming in. But if your nervous system, if you're not regulated, then it and it might not, maybe for you. It's not a comment on social media.
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Eloise Tomkins: Maybe you know. Maybe this isn't something that will rock your boat. But there are going to be things that rock your boat. There are still things that rock mine and I have been doing this work personally, and you know, helping clients professionally. But there are still things we're still going to get activated. Of course, we are like, we're human. But being aware of it and knowing what your activators are
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Eloise Tomkins: is really
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Eloise Tomkins: important and powerful. And you know, I also see this a lot at I feel like I give thousands of examples, but I remember, like networking events where people would ask a question and somebody would give advice, and that person would gobble it up, you know, like Oh, my goodness, yes, you know the answer. It's like, Well, hang on a minute.
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Eloise Tomkins: do they do. They know the depth of you and your brand, and who you are, and your values, and what you stand for? No, and
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Eloise Tomkins: I think that
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Eloise Tomkins: the antidote is being able to trust yourselves, in spite of all of the criticism that we are just inevitably going to get for existing as a human, and it would be nice to say, well, people shouldn't criticize, and you know what, maybe I shouldn't. But people are going to have different opinions and beliefs, and I think part of it is us being able to
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Eloise Tomkins: hold our own anchor when things in life happen that feel a little bit wobbly, because when we can do that. My gosh! Everything shifts and
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Eloise Tomkins: things will still happen. But our sense of worth, our sense of stability, our sense of knowing, that's all. Gonna still stay strong.
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Eloise Tomkins: So and if you do, if this is, if you're feeling cold, if you're hearing this and thinking, Oh, my goodness! Like I want to be able to anchor into my worth. I want to be able to stand strong in my voice. I want to be able to
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Eloise Tomkins: have my nervous system feel really strong and strengthened, strengthened. I don't know if that's the right word reach out. I do one-on-one coaching, and I have spots in my expansion program that can really help you to work through this. That's gonna leave you feeling like you can tackle these comments because you don't care. They don't bother you. You can let them go because people
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Eloise Tomkins: we'll say shit. And you will not be phased. And I love love, love, love doing that work. So yeah, reach out if you're interested in learning more. No obligations, but just to have a bit of a chat about how this work might be able to support you in your business. But on that note I'm going to go. And I
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Eloise Tomkins: I'm gonna go. Reflect more on that comment and post on my socials, because I just thought it was fucking, hilarious. And I will look forward to seeing you all again on the podcast next week. Until then, hope, you have a brilliant week, and I'll chat to you soon.
