Hello, and welcome back to the Rich Woman Rising podcast. This is the show where we cut through the noise about money and talk about the real nervous system and identity shifts behind building wealth without burning out. I'm Eloise Tompkins, psychologist and money coach for women in business who are ready to remember who the fuck they are around money. Now today, I want to talk about those times where you have been around someone who said they believed in you. but their body told a different story. Now this has come to light recently. It's something that I've been thinking about for a while, but it's really come to light recently. Now, when I was with my ex and I would tell her about my money goals, she would smile. She would nod and she'd say all of the right things like, yeah, of course, of course you'll achieve your goals. But The conversation would be rushed. She would kind of fold herself over. Her shoulders would tighten. Her eyes would kind of dart to the floor. And my body, my nervous system, was picking that information up well before my brain did. And without meaning to, I started to doubt myself whether I was able to achieve my goals. wouldn't want to talk to her about my business I'd feel really uncomfortable sharing anything related to my business with her because I didn't feel like she actually believed in me and so I would keep this kind of huge part of my life to myself because I didn't feel safe talking about it now fast forward to today my current partner I we haven't been dating for very long And so, you know, the whole what do you do obviously comes up early. And I remember sharing, oh, I run my own business. This is what I do. And this is my wild, my wild goals. Expecting her to be like, oh, yeah, wow, that is wild. So I was kind of like bracing myself, getting ready for that kind of response. Because typically that's the kind of response that I've gotten from people. Like, oh God, Ellie, like, okay, all right, just calm down, hold your horses. And I did not get that response at all. Instead, I got a wholehearted, enthusiastic, oh yeah, awesome, that's such a great goal. You'll so be able to do that. And her whole presence, her body language, was relaxed she maintained eye contact and she leaned in like while I was talking to her about my big dreams and my nervous system observed that and it read that as safety and it was in that moment that I kind of had this contrast of like oh whoa I was I'm not gonna lie I was taken aback and I was like wow um because that difference what happens there That is your mirror neurons in action. So today, that's what I want to talk to you about. I want to dive into how other people's money stories, how other people's nervous systems can mess with your own without you even realizing it. From your relationship to women you meet at networking events, your brain, your nervous system is constantly mirroring what it sees. And if you don't know how to catch that, and if you're not aware of it, you can end up diminishing the goals that you have, making yourself smaller to match someone else's fears. So when I talk about mirror neurons, what the heck do I mean by that? Now, I don't want to give you the whole psych one and go into a huge long winded definition around it, but mirror neurons are basically a brain cells that fire when you watch someone else do something. So for example, if you see them, how they speak, how they move, how they, the expression on their face, then we pick up on that, our own mirror neurons fire to kind of mimic what it is that they're doing, which is really helpful for things like empathy. It can be really powerful in that kind of way. So if I see you reach for your credit card with hesitation to pay for lunch, my brain will simulate that hesitation in my own body. And I'll kind of feel that. Or if I see you confidently state your prices and be like, this is what I charge, my brain also rehearses that confidence. And that's why someone else's money story doesn't just stay with them. Your nervous system is literally, I guess, practicing it without even meaning to. And it's why you can, like we're often told, you've probably heard this, you know, be in rooms that empower you. Be in rooms where people are steps ahead of you. Don't go into rooms that are going to bring you down. Why? Because mirror neurons, they're really powerful. So scooting back to my ex, she wanted to be supportive. I truly believe that. But when your words and your actions and your nervous system don't align, we pick up on that. But we don't trust it. As women, we are so taught, we're taught not to trust that incongruence. She would say the right words and the words were really nice. The words were, yeah, I believe in you. You can do it. That's a great goal. But body, is that a different story? You're right. Crossed arms, tight jaw. pulled back when talking about it, looking away whenever I would talk about wanting a seven figure business. And I would have friends that would do the same thing. I remember when I told one of my friends about my goals, she was like, but you have a good job. Why do you want to be so greedy? And my mirror neurons, they don't care about somebody else's intent. They don't care about that somebody else has their own money stories. They don't care about the reasons that somebody is doing these things. They don't care. All they saw is tension, stress, fear, uncertainty, risk, unsafe, danger. And so what then happens is My brain activates those mirror neurons. My nervous system responds. And then my own programming kicks in as well. Like, oh, now we're starting to feel a little bit unsafe here. And that then makes me question myself, makes me doubt myself. And you might experience that too. You might have had conversations with your partner and maybe you have shared with them your goals for your business. And maybe they've turned around and said, oh, Yeah, but you're not making money quick enough and we need to make money faster so that we can pay our bills and have this lifestyle. Which on the surface sounds really rational, but at the same time isn't creating safety in either of your nervous systems because it's creating a pressure loop. It's creating a fear loop. It's creating an uncertainty loop. which then is going to impact how you run your business and how much money you make. Like it becomes kind of, in a way, almost a self-fulfilling prophecy if you're not aware of it and if you're not able to catch it. And I tell you what, the amount of women that I have spoken to who have said, my partner has said, insert, something that's not completely horrendous, But it has impacted their own nervous system safety, which has then impacted how they run their business. Like it is wild. So I want you to just, I want you to be aware of that. I want you to be aware. Like how does your partner respond when you talk about money? How does your nervous system feel? Do you feel safe talking to your partner about it? With my current partner, like I said, we haven't been dating very long. And so when I shared my goals with her, she was so supportive. She listened, nods, asked questions, even mirrors my excitement, literally. Her eyebrows lift, her smile widens when I talk about it. And my body, my nervous system matches that. Like I can tell she's genuinely interested, genuinely excited, genuinely believes that I can reach my goals. Her words and her nervous system line up. She's not out of alignment. And I feel that. The takeaway from this is that your nervous system trusts what it sees. It trusts the cues. And a lot of those cues are micro, meaning that we're not even consciously aware of them. They're the very subtle movements, the little tightening of the lip before they respond or the micro lift of an eyebrow or the subtle tension of the shoulders. Like they're really micro things that you wouldn't really pick up. But your nervous system does. Your nervous system is scanning all of that as danger or something's not quite right. So I want you to have a think about like when a moment like do you feel safe? Does your nervous system feel calm? Does it feel supported? And what does it need to feel supported? And the reality is not every partner is going to be able to support that because of their money story. And it doesn't mean that you aren't able to reach your goal. It just means that we need to learn how to untangle from their nervous system and bring more awareness to your own. So that, you know, you can kind of go, okay, well, I'm noticing that I'm having a strong reaction. It's also not my reaction. My mirror neurons are kicking off here. They're reading into their response. And this is how I want to have my response to be. Even though I'm aware of their response, I'm still going to do the thing. It's also not just partners, though. It's not just intimate relationships. It can be business events. And this is something that I've seen a lot as well. And I personally find some networking events really tricky because you can kind of walk in feeling like you're on fire. Things are going well. You've got your goals. You're excited to connect with people. And you waltz in. And within fifteen minutes, you go around and you hear women saying things like, oh, it's just so hard right now. No one's paying. Everyone's on payment plans. I haven't got a new client this month and oh gosh, I'm really stressed. And then you might notice your own body having a reaction to that. I remember going to this networking event and there was a group of three women, four including me. So a little cluster of four of us. And there was this one woman and she was uh talking about speaking events and how she'd gotten a speaking gig she was so excited but she wasn't getting paid for it she goes yeah but somebody else at the event was getting paid and if they're going to pay them why aren't they paying me why why don't they just pay everyone and the two other women who she was talking with were like yeah yeah that's so valid yeah I had a different perspective And they did not like my perspective. My perspective is that, and I shared this with them, my perspective was, well, if you wanted to be paid, did you, you know, ask to be paid? Did you put that as an option? Did you, you know, if you didn't want to speak for free, why did you say yes? Why did you accept the offer? And they're like, but they should have just paid everyone. And I'm like, maybe they should, but they didn't. So where's your agency in this? They all kind of looked at me as though I had like three heads. And this is the kind of situation that I'm talking about because when you are firing off these mirror neurons and not only firing off these mirror neurons, but you also find other women around you who are reinforce uh your own beliefs whose mirror neurons are kind of firing off in a similar vein then you can end up very easily being um kind of immersed in that and your beliefs and how you feel about money can kind of become quite uh what's the word I'm looking for like it just gets reinforced right like it just becomes so reinforced and you don't grow you don't grow because people are like, yeah, it's hard. Yeah. That sucks. Unless you have someone like me waltzing who has no problem challenging the, challenging the status quo and like leaving these little nuggets of, um, well, did you think about it from this perspective? Um, because I don't give a shit. I mean, I do care. I care about people, but like, I, I know my nervous system. I know my truth and I'm not gonna keep other people comfortable just because they feel, um, just because I might make them uncomfortable with my words. No, not going to do that. So when your mirror neurons are scanning the room, figuring out what's going on, you start to figure out the energy around you, right? Just like in that little group that I was part of, there was this energy, right? And you could kind of sense the energy. And then there I was disrupting the little bucket of energy that we'd co-created. Because you learn, well, hang on a minute, what's safe here? And when you do that, you can adjust, right? And it often happens without even noticing it. And I've certainly been caught in that. But you might drop your voice a little. You might want to downplay your wins because you want to fit in. I remember talking with someone who has a really successful business and she would say things like, oh, I don't want to wear my designer belt to networking events because it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't want other women who aren't earning as much to feel insecure. But I'm like, fuck it. let them feel insecure if that's how they're going to feel. What about the women who would feel motivated to see you wearing that and to go, wow, I want that. When we make choices because of how we think other people are going to react and downplay those wins, it reinforces that I guess, those mirror neurons as well, right? And it doesn't inspire us to become the better versions of ourselves, which is why I am so fucking passionate about doing this work because we don't see enough women represented and we need representation. Representation matters because Without being able to see it, we don't believe that we can do it. And that's, again, those mirror neurons in action. Think about the rich women that you know. Maybe you don't know any personally. Maybe the rich women that you know are the women that you see on TV, on the news, the Gina Reinharts, who don't particularly have a great reputation because of the way the media represents them. Or maybe you do know some wealthy women. Maybe they're wealthy because their partner earns money and they've got money, but they're a stay-at-home trophy wife kind of vibe. And you think, oh, well, I don't want to be that. There's judgment towards that rich woman. I mean, judging somebody for wealth makes sense that that model that we have doesn't feel so great. Chances are, like, you don't know someone who is rich and has strong values and who does good with the world, who does a lot of positive because there's not a lot of them, which is why we need more representation, which is why we need you to make money. We need you to make lots of money, wild money. Because it's not just about you. Believe it or not, it's not just about you. You making money also helps the collective women make more money, which can help do more good in the world. Because other women will then see you, their mirror neurons will kick off and go, wow, this is possible. So I don't know. When I think about it from that way, I'm like, that's pretty fucking cool. And that's exactly why I do what I do. I want to be your mirror neuron to show you that you can, you can do it. Is it easy? No. Can you do it? Yeah. Like it is possible. So I guess another part of the reason behind that, right, is like humans, we aren't designed to be individual creatures. We survive in groups and individuals. I guess a part of it is also why we don't do it is because we're kind of wired to blend in because thousands of years ago we were, I guess, evolutionary from an evolutionary perspective. Standing out was dangerous. It could mean leaving. It could mean that we would get left behind. We would be under-resourced. We wouldn't get fed. We'd, I don't know, not be able to be in shelter or kept warm because being different wasn't a good thing. So now so many of us just want to blend in because the people around us, They operate from that scarcity model. They operate from poverty mindset. They operate from there's not enough. They operate from work hard for money. I have to work hard for every single dollar and prove that I'm good enough. And so if that is who you're hanging around, your nervous system's default is going to be to join in that scarcity, not to argue with it, not to go against the grain, not to do something differently. Because that is evolutionary, how we have like survived. not just from a money perspective, just in general, right? But in business, that wiring will keep you broke. It'll keep you anxious. It'll keep you second guessing yourself. And funnily enough, the things that you're scared of happening, that you'll lose your friends, that things will change, all of these catastrophizing things that you think will happen, Like they don't or they do and life gets even better for you. But that's a whole separate episode as well. I feel like there's so many like little side tangents that I could go down. But all of those things that we worry about going wrong don't actually happen or life gets better when you follow what's true for you. So now that you know about these mirror neurons, you know that your nervous system kind of pings off other people's and vice versa. Your nervous system pings onto them as well. You can use your mirror neurons to your advantage, right? So one of the first things that I would recommend is to audit your nervous system's proximity to others, right? So what I mean by that is who around you, who does your nervous system feel safe with around money? Who models possibility and ambition and kind of matches that energy? Where do you feel lit up and inspired and like, fuck yes, I've got this. Versus people who model doubt, who model insecurity, scarcity. And just notice that, notice what happens in your body and spend more time observing and being with the first group. Because if you do, you're going to draw upon the energy and it's going to pull you towards your goals. The other thing as well is to be able to anchor into your own energy before, for example, a networking event. So the example that I shared earlier about the speaking gig and not being paid for it, I was able to enter that space and to be like, actually, I have a different perspective that I'm going to throw into the ring right now. The reason I was able to do that is because I was able to anchor into myself. I knew that their story was just that theirs. It wasn't mine. I knew that that little flutter in my stomach wasn't mine. It was their anxiety. So when you walk into an event, you get to decide this is who I am. This is what I'm bringing into the room and own that. And then if you notice yourself starting to feel a little, um, uncertain or if you notice yourself tensing up or that little knot in your stomach allow yourself just to take a breath and to pause before saying something and ground yourself because other people's money energy money stories is not yours and the other thing as well is if you do if there is someone in your network who you admire about money terms of how they navigate money in terms of their confidence watch them because their mirror neurons will help you to rehearse that own confidence within you right which is pretty pretty cool mirror neurons are that brain's copy paste tool they're powerful And you don't get that choice to switch them off. Like it's just automatic. It happens in your nervous system. We don't get a choice, but you get to choose what they copy. And if you're not careful, you will pick up on other people's fears as though they're your own. But when you begin to be more conscious and choose who and what you're mirroring, you start to protect your goals and your nervous system from being completely hijacked by other people's stories. And if you want to learn how to hold your wealth energy yourself, no matter who is in the room, whether it's your partner, clients, gosh, maybe even a whole conference or business networking event, that's exactly what we do inside the Wealthiest Spark Vault. Inside the vault, I'll teach you the nervous system tools to stay regulated. It'll help you psychologically rewire your your money stories so that you can stop picking up the energy from other people that's not yours. And you can do the identity work to help keep your money goals intact. You can check it out on my website, www.eloisetompkins.com. I'll drop the link in the show notes for you because, yeah, the wealthiest bug vault is a really powerful way to be able to start shifting your relationship with money. But I want to say thank you so much for listening to the Rich Woman Rising podcast. There's so many podcasts out there and I really value the fact that you're here listening to this one. Really hope that you're getting a lot out of it. And I just want you to remember that it's not always your body telling the story. It's the ones that you let in. So you know what? Choose wisely. Make sure that you're choosing the stories that actually feel good for you and allow you to reach your own goals. Alrighty, that's all from me this week. And I'll chat to you again next week. Until then, have fun making money and take care.
