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Eloise Tomkins: Hello and welcome back to another episode of the rich woman rising. Podcast I am your host, Eloise Tompkins, and I'm a money coach and psychologist, and I help women in business to make more money, work less, and finally feel free
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Eloise Tomkins: in their business and not feeling as though they're selling their soul so that they can heal their money blocks through the nervous system when mindset hasn't been enough to shift it.
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Eloise Tomkins: And today I want to talk to you about triggers, because triggers is
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Eloise Tomkins: oh, such a pop psychology word! Everyone's throwing around words.
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Eloise Tomkins: or even the nervous system, the nervous system, and your subconscious and triggers, which is great. It's great that we're bringing awareness to it, but not in this pop psychology way that really grinds my gears, because, like far out. I've spent so many years studying this stuff. And then someone's come along and like done a Google search and read something on Wikipedia or done a you know, 2 day training or 6 months
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Eloise Tomkins: Nlp, call whatever I don't know now they're an expert on triggers. It does my head in. But anyway, that's beside the point. That's a separate rant.
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Eloise Tomkins: I'm glad that there is more awareness. However, I
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Eloise Tomkins: came across a hard no, some post on social media the other day, and it was about
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Eloise Tomkins: if you get triggered by people sending you a cold DM. Like pitching their services. That's a sign that you need more healing to be done.
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Eloise Tomkins: and I got triggered by that post.
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Eloise Tomkins: which isn't a bad thing, and it just made me think like I want to unpack it, because we can so often, particularly as women who are so invested in this personal development, space wanting to constantly improve and up, level and learn more and heal ourselves and heal the generational trauma and change the patterns and leave a legacy and make a ripple effect on future generations like fuck? Do you realize how much pressure that puts on us
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Eloise Tomkins: to go on this fucking evolution of this personal development journey.
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Eloise Tomkins: And then not only that, we then think, oh, anytime I get triggered. That's a bad thing. I shouldn't be triggered. I should be walking around feeling
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Eloise Tomkins: cool as a cucumber all the time. No, makes me mad because triggers
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Eloise Tomkins: are like our nervous system communicating to us.
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Eloise Tomkins: Triggers are our nervous system saying, Hey, something's going on here.
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Eloise Tomkins: and it's our job to use that information to then decide what we want to do with it.
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Eloise Tomkins: But it doesn't mean that there's more healing to be done.
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Eloise Tomkins: For instance. Personally, I hate height.
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Eloise Tomkins: All capital letters H. Capital HATE.
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Eloise Tomkins: Co. Dms
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Eloise Tomkins: with a passion. I hate cold dms that are like, hey? How long have you been a coach for.
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Eloise Tomkins: hey? You're doing amazing work. How long you been a coach? I hate those ones.
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Eloise Tomkins: and I also hate these ones.
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Eloise Tomkins: Hey? Saw your post. You're doing amazing work really resonated. By the way, want to work with me.
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Eloise Tomkins: Hate those ones, too. I hate them all. I hate them all in whatever the context do not like.
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Eloise Tomkins: so you could say I get triggered by those now
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Eloise Tomkins: going by this person's post of anytime. You get triggered. You have healing to be done.
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Eloise Tomkins: That would mean that essentially, I'm overreacting when someone called Dms, right?
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Eloise Tomkins: That's the underlying message there.
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Eloise Tomkins: But when we unpack a trigger, and 1st off.
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Eloise Tomkins: when we think about triggers, they can be positive. They can be negative. You can have a negative
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Eloise Tomkins: emotional response.
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Eloise Tomkins: anger, frustration, fear, guilt, shame, disappointment. Whatever you can have lots of different emotions that are negative, that we don't like that are unpleasant.
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Eloise Tomkins: But did you know that triggers can actually be positive as well?
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Eloise Tomkins: Think about this. You walk past the bakery, you smell chocolate chip cookies, takes you back to childhood when grandma used to bake cookies.
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Eloise Tomkins: Positive trigger you, I don't know.
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Eloise Tomkins: Go to the circus. I don't know why you'd go to the circus, but and it reminds you of your childhood, you know, seeing I don't know I'm trying to think of other examples
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Eloise Tomkins: which kind of raises my point that we are so focused on the negative triggers. And when we have a unpleasant emotional response or a strong emotional response that we perceive as negative.
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Eloise Tomkins: that we overlook, like the fact that we actually also have positive triggers. So if I have a trigger to walking past a bakery, and like reminiscing on this nostalgia over grandma's baking chocolate chip cookies.
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Eloise Tomkins: Therefore I should do healing around that, too. The logic doesn't logic, it doesn't add up.
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Eloise Tomkins: So we have all of this information coming at us. Heal the triggers, heal the triggers do do, do, which implies that our emotions, if they're negative, are bad, that they're wrong, that we've got stuff to work on, and I want to debunk that
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Eloise Tomkins: because that mentality will hold you back
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Eloise Tomkins: from growing in your business, from making the money that you want in your business, from having the freedom that you want in your business
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Eloise Tomkins: when I get cold. Dms, like.
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Eloise Tomkins: I was talking to a friend about this the other day because they make me angry.
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Eloise Tomkins: and they probably make me angrier than the average person fair.
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Eloise Tomkins: and I own that I know that they do. I really dislike them, because
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Eloise Tomkins: when I receive a cold DM, what happens for me, and this is going to be different for you.
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Eloise Tomkins: You might not have this same response, or you might not like call Dms. But you might have some different reasoning behind it. But this is my reasoning.
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Eloise Tomkins: as you're thinking. I want you to think of what your reasonings are
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Eloise Tomkins: for, either not caring about them or for caring about them and feeling activated, triggered by it. When I receive a cold DM.
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Eloise Tomkins: For me, it brings up.
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Eloise Tomkins: I'm a number they don't really care.
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Eloise Tomkins: They don't want to get to know me as a person. They just want something for themselves
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Eloise Tomkins: which to me goes against my values of genuine connection, authenticity and building relationships.
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Eloise Tomkins: Those things are really important to me.
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Eloise Tomkins: Now, if I dive even deeper into that, I could go layers deep.
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Eloise Tomkins: and I have gone lazy because I was curious.
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Eloise Tomkins: It brings up not feeling seen or heard in my childhood, and I hated that as a kid I hated not being seen. I hated not being heard, hated feeling like I was invisible, that I was only
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Eloise Tomkins: worthy, and that I was only useful.
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Eloise Tomkins: If I had value to give someone else.
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Eloise Tomkins: So for me, receiving a cold. DM, it triggers that it activates all of those old childhood baggage
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Eloise Tomkins: that you know. Maybe not. All of it has been processed.
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Eloise Tomkins: A lot of it has not all of it.
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Eloise Tomkins: But that's okay. I own that. And I can sit with that. I can sit with that discomfort.
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Eloise Tomkins: Because then what I can do is I can go okay.
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Eloise Tomkins: And as I'm speaking, what I want you to be thinking about, it doesn't even have to be a cold. DM, that annoys you. It can be anything in your business.
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Eloise Tomkins: because we all have them. They're all going to be different triggers.
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Eloise Tomkins: But the beauty is when we're aware of our triggers, when we're aware of what brings up
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Eloise Tomkins: that annoyance in us, that anger, that rage, that strong emotional response when we can identify it, when we can recognize, oh, wait! This is actually me being activated. This is my nervous system having a strong response
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Eloise Tomkins: rather than just kind of getting hooked into it and
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Eloise Tomkins: being pulled along for the ride.
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Eloise Tomkins: Right? And and that is the work that is the healing.
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Eloise Tomkins: not neutralizing the trigger and being like, Oh, okay, well, now, I don't care about cold Dms sliding into my inbox unannounced, unsolicited.
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Eloise Tomkins: That is not the healing. The healing is being able to recognize. Okay, I'm triggered
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Eloise Tomkins: and have space between your response
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Eloise Tomkins: between the trigger. So between the thing happening that have brought up that strong emotion and having space to then think about. Well, what do I want to do now?
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Eloise Tomkins: How do I want to respond to that?
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Eloise Tomkins: Do I want to send a bitchy message back, being like, Oh, fuck off!
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Eloise Tomkins: Prob's not. That's not in alignment with my personal values.
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Eloise Tomkins: and how I want to be in my business, even though in my head I'm like, Oh, for fuck's sake, you fucking, kidding me!
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Eloise Tomkins: You're the 3rd message today like fuck.
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Eloise Tomkins: So there's that.
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Eloise Tomkins: But being able to be aware of your triggers means that you get actually have a little bit of space you're like, Oh.
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Eloise Tomkins: oh, there's some real strong emotion coming up in me right now. What's going on here?
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Eloise Tomkins: Oh, I'm really noticing that I'm tense. I really noticed that my thoughts are racing right now.
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Eloise Tomkins: I really notice that I'm gripping my hands really tight?
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Eloise Tomkins: That's incredible. That's that is healing.
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Eloise Tomkins: And then thinking, Okay, cool. Well, I'm probably not, gonna reply. Now
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Eloise Tomkins: I'm going to go for a walk, because I'm just feeling really on edge. I just need to get out of the house for a minute and go for a little walk around the block.
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Eloise Tomkins: Awesome.
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Eloise Tomkins: That is also healing.
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Eloise Tomkins: And then deciding what you want to do.
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Eloise Tomkins: do I want to send that message. Do I want to do something else. Also healing
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Eloise Tomkins: what wouldn't be healing is being triggered, sending a bitchy message
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Eloise Tomkins: and then waking up the next morning, when you've calmed down, and
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Eloise Tomkins: feeling super embarrassed and shameful because you did something that was out of alignment with how you want to be, how you want to operate. That wouldn't be healing.
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Eloise Tomkins: Yeah.
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Eloise Tomkins: So I really think we need to
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Eloise Tomkins: untangle how we view triggers and what they actually are.
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Eloise Tomkins: because all it really is is information.
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Eloise Tomkins: And when we can use that information in ways that help us actually make sense of what's going on with our
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Eloise Tomkins: body and why we're feeling so activated. And then we have a little bit of space in terms of what we want to do with that
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Eloise Tomkins: perfect. It doesn't mean that we need to stop getting activated by it.
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Eloise Tomkins: Personally, I don't want to deactivate that trigger.
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Eloise Tomkins: I quite like it because it highlights to me something that I value. That's important.
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Eloise Tomkins: And it also weeds out people that I will never work with. It's like the trash taking itself out.
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Eloise Tomkins: It's like saying, Hello! Here I am. I'm sliding into your inbox, and I'm like great. I'm never going to work with you. Cool thanks for letting me know that you're not my kind of person. You're not the right vibe for me
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Eloise Tomkins: just gives me information, and I can hold on to that anger.
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Eloise Tomkins: Or I can use that and just say, Okay, cool. It's just not in alignment. And that's okay.
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Eloise Tomkins: You don't need to always be healing your triggers because healing is not always doing.
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Eloise Tomkins: And what I mean by that is.
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Eloise Tomkins: we think that a lot of the time healing is, we have to be actively doing something.
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Eloise Tomkins: We have to be reading a book, personal development book doing a course, listening to a podcast.
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Eloise Tomkins: I don't know whatever it is. We think that we always have to be doing the reality is.
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Eloise Tomkins: it's actually doing less than we think, and it's allowing ourselves
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Eloise Tomkins: to connect him with our body that is, that is healing.
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Eloise Tomkins: Oh, I wish I could just like shout this from the rooftops, because I really wish people would. I really wish, like we could understand, that
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Eloise Tomkins: the hardest thing to do
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Eloise Tomkins: is to actually be in our bodies and to listen to our nervous system. Listen to our emotions.
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Eloise Tomkins: Zarin, in and understand what they're trying to tell us.
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Eloise Tomkins: and then respond in kind with what our bodies are sharing.
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Eloise Tomkins: That is the hardest piece. This is the hardest piece I reckon, that you will ever have to do when it comes to healing.
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Eloise Tomkins: which is why, when I see stuff like just, you know.
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Eloise Tomkins: if you're experiencing a trigger, you got to do something about it like no, no, it doesn't work like that.
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Eloise Tomkins: So I don't know. I guess this was my reminder to you. If you do feel like you just have to keep on doing stuff
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Eloise Tomkins: that sometimes it's actually about listening, listening to your body, listening to your nervous system.
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Eloise Tomkins: giving it a bit of space to move through your body without assuming
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Eloise Tomkins: automatically that just because you experience a negative emotion, anger, sadness, rage, frustration, irritation, disappointment.
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Eloise Tomkins: guilt, shame, that it means that there's work to be done.
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Eloise Tomkins: There can be, you know.
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Eloise Tomkins: rewiring to be done if you want to. But a lot of the times, it's information and understanding what you want to do with that information is where it's the most powerful.
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Eloise Tomkins: So on that note, the next time that you get triggered.
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Eloise Tomkins: try and lean into it with a bit of compassion
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Eloise Tomkins: and curiosity. I think curiosity is one of my favorite.
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Eloise Tomkins: It is yeah, it's definitely one of my favorite words.
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Eloise Tomkins: My clients will always, you know, laugh when I use the word curious.
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Eloise Tomkins: because we are so quick to jump into
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Eloise Tomkins: whatever's going on with us with judgment. I shouldn't be feeling that I should be doing this, I should should, should should.
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Eloise Tomkins: Hmm!
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Eloise Tomkins: Let's try and reserve that, and let's lean in with curiosity.
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Eloise Tomkins: because when we lean in with curiosity. That is where we just find some really juicy information
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Eloise Tomkins: that actually helps us move forward.
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Eloise Tomkins: And it's also not the easiest thing to do. So
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Eloise Tomkins: if you find it tricky. I don't blame you, but give it a go, and DM me. Send me a message on Instagram. Let me know how you go, because, yeah, let's
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Eloise Tomkins: take back triggers and stop being so fearful of them. And let's just see them for what they are. Information.
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Eloise Tomkins: all right on that note. Thank you for
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Eloise Tomkins: tuning in and having a chat with me today. Listening on the podcast I hope you found it useful as always, and I'll see you again on the rich woman rising podcast next week. Till then, take care of yourselves.
