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Eloise Tomkins: Hello, welcome to another episode of the rich woman rising. Podcast I'm your host, Eloise Tompkins. And I'm a money coach and psychologist, helping women in business to make more money, not through more strategy, but through their nervous system, which sounds a little wacky. But our nervous system actually plays such an important role when it comes to gosh.
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Eloise Tomkins: 90% of what we do in day to day. So just a little bit important. Which is why I like helping you learn a little bit more about it, so that you can understand exactly how it shows up in your business and how it shows up in the decisions that you're making. And today, what I want to have a chat with you about is
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Eloise Tomkins: jealousy.
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Eloise Tomkins: Because and you know.
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Eloise Tomkins: let's call it because we do feel jealous, and I don't know about you, but I certainly feel jealous from time to time, and it is a really overwhelming emotion, or it can be, and it can be an emotion that we don't like to talk about. We don't like to think about. We like to just kind of push to the side, because we have again been taught as women that jealousy is something that we should be ashamed of.
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Eloise Tomkins: Shouldn't be jealous of someone else's success. We shouldn't, you know, want what someone else
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Eloise Tomkins: wants, and we should just be grateful for what we have.
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Eloise Tomkins: No, I call bullshit on that
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Eloise Tomkins: for so many reasons which I'm going to get into. But the thing is.
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Eloise Tomkins: I say this all the time. When it comes to emotions like with my one-on-one clients, I will say to them a lot that our emotions are actually information, they're data.
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Eloise Tomkins: And when we understand what this data is telling us, then we can use that to understand where to from here. So when we feel jealousy, we get a chance to go. What is my nervous system telling me what's important about this, and when we approach our emotions like jealousy with curiosity, we have a bit of a chance to understand ourselves.
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Eloise Tomkins: our emotions, and our relationship with money in more depth, because
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Eloise Tomkins: it's this really awful ugly feeling that we don't want to admit to feeling, especially if we've done the work right. We've done a lot of healing. We've done a lot of work. And who wants to say, Oh, I feel jealous. I'm jealous of that person. We don't like saying it. But what if
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Eloise Tomkins: it isn't toxic? What if it's actually really sacred? What if it's something that it can help you get to the life that you actually want.
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Eloise Tomkins: Hear me out on this right. I used to feel a lot of jealousy towards other women.
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Eloise Tomkins: and I used to.
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Eloise Tomkins: I laugh because I'm just thinking about like younger me, and oh, how far we've come, and how much younger me held me through some really difficult times and difficult emotions. I used to hate jealousy. I used to experience it a lot because I would see other women who on the surface would have everything that I thought that I wanted. They would have a nice car. They'd have a partner, or they'd have
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Eloise Tomkins: money, or they'd have a holiday overseas, and I'd be like, I want that.
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Eloise Tomkins: And I'd look at them, and I feel so much envy and jealousy like just sick with jealousy.
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Eloise Tomkins: and I'd be polite to them on the surface. And underneath there was just this, you know.
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Eloise Tomkins: monster, that was just bubbling that I didn't show because I had perfected the mask because you don't show jealousy. And oh, my gosh! It was terrible for relationships terrible for friendships. It's it's it can be really toxic when left unaddressed.
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Eloise Tomkins: And I think that's where where we see jealousy is because we associate it with that. We associate it with the huh to their face. Pretend everything's fine behind closed doors. This is where you go with friends and bitch about them behind their back, and I didn't want to be that person.
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Eloise Tomkins: and we don't want to admit that we do that right.
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Eloise Tomkins: and I get it like, we don't want to do that. We don't want to be that kind of woman. But how do you become the woman that actually truly celebrates another person's success while you're still on your own journey, while you're still not where you want to be, while you're still not making the kind of money that you want to make, and then your friend goes and has her highest month yet, and you're like, how do I hold both this jealousy that I'm holding and
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Eloise Tomkins: her win. How do I truly be supportive? Because that that can feel like a lot? The thing is, though
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Eloise Tomkins: interestingly, jealousy is not about the other person and what they have.
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Eloise Tomkins: Just sit with that for a moment. Jealousy is actually about what you desire.
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Eloise Tomkins: It's showing you I I want that
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Eloise Tomkins: I I want to go on that really cool holiday to Greece, and
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Eloise Tomkins: I don't know. I'm trying to think of what I would do in Greece being on the Mediterranean, on a yacht. I want to go on that kind of holiday.
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Eloise Tomkins: I want to do something like that.
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Eloise Tomkins: and then we make that situation. We make it mean something about us.
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Eloise Tomkins: because often what happens is there's a sense of could be grief, for example, that that's not our life. That's not the kind of person we are. It activates all of these beliefs in us
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Eloise Tomkins: because we're looking at that person. And there's a sense of admiration in some level, because we're like, Oh, that's super cool. I would love that. And then grief pops its head up and says, Not for you. I don't think so, because there's a part of your identity that hasn't caught up with your desire. And the fact that it actually could be possible for you. You just need to figure out how to get there.
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Eloise Tomkins: And so what your nervous system is doing is it's seeing the other woman who has what you want or what you desire, and it goes. That was a glitch that was meant to be a nervous system glitch. I don't know what a nervous system glitch sounds like. Probably not that. But your nervous system has a little bit of a glitch. It goes into fight, flight, freeze, born mode, and
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Eloise Tomkins: it shuts down. It's like, Oh, this feels really overwhelming, and then up pops jealousy, and we don't get jealous of things that we don't care about.
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Eloise Tomkins: Jealousy is actually quite an intimate emotion. We get jealous over things that are important to us, and
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Eloise Tomkins: the thing that I find about the emotion of jealousy is that.
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Eloise Tomkins: like I said before, it becomes toxic when we just let it fester
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Eloise Tomkins: and we don't take action. We don't do anything with it. We're just like, Oh, I feel this green-eyed monster within me.
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Eloise Tomkins: and then I think it can also be hard, because it's not necessarily the other person's fault that they've got whatever it is that you want? That's not their problem. That's not their fault. So jealousy is a very internal feeling.
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Eloise Tomkins: We can't necessarily go up to our friend and be like I'm jealous of you make me feel better, because that's placing a lot of that emotional responsibility on them when it's really not theirs to hold. It's our emotion to hold, and
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Eloise Tomkins: that said it becomes up to us to decide
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Eloise Tomkins: what we do with it, because there's a couple of things that can happen.
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Eloise Tomkins: If we let it turn inward.
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Eloise Tomkins: then it can become shame. It can lead to shame, shame that we're not doing enough shame that we're not good enough shame that we're not there yet.
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Eloise Tomkins: Shame that will never be there!
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Eloise Tomkins: Shame that we were born into the family that we were born into, and life is just so much harder for us, or whatever their beliefs that we have about ourselves that are kind of spinning around in our mind.
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Eloise Tomkins: Jealousy can activate a lot of that. It can bring up a lot of that, and it can bring up a lot of shame
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Eloise Tomkins: which we all know feels really really awful.
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Eloise Tomkins: or we can turn it outward. And we can become really judgmental.
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Eloise Tomkins: Now, caveat
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Eloise Tomkins: humans are judgmental. I'm a psychologist, and I will tell my clients that. Yeah, I do judge, too. I'm not immune to judgment. We all judge. It's part of human nature. We can't stop ourselves from judging. We need to judge, but the judgment that I'm talking about when it comes to jealousy is this judgment of
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Eloise Tomkins: oh, they're better than me.
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Eloise Tomkins: or who do they think they are? Why do they think they're so good? And then we can become really critical of another woman? We can criticize their choices, their lifestyle, their decisions, the fact that they're making more money, but working less. And
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Eloise Tomkins: I mean that doesn't really serve anyone. And I actually see this. And with
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Eloise Tomkins: now, I've lost the words like high profile.
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Eloise Tomkins: I don't want to say influencers, business owners who have built a really successful business yet people will criticize them. Oh, she's making so much money. Now she's just become so unrelatable.
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Eloise Tomkins: Okay, Karen. Well, she's not for you. Then, like just, you know, calm your farm.
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Eloise Tomkins: and I think that we can get so critical of women who
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Eloise Tomkins: are doing really cool things, and
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Eloise Tomkins: I don't know it just tears other women down. I really don't like seeing that, but then also
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Eloise Tomkins: the going back to the shame side of things that then leaves us kind of in that puddle of self-doubt, and just feeling really terrible about ourselves. And oh, how can you win with either of those right like? It either goes inwards or outwards like oh, what do we do with it instead.
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Eloise Tomkins: Well, but what if, instead of kind of having this inward or outward, it becomes a compass.
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Eloise Tomkins: it becomes something that you can hold, and it allows you this opportunity, like for this sacred redirection, right like, where you get to hold this, and you get to determine
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Eloise Tomkins: your path.
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Eloise Tomkins: Because if you
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Eloise Tomkins: don't, and if you let yourself, spiral or snowball into the either inward shame or the outward judgment.
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Eloise Tomkins: then what's going to happen is you'll head into the fight. Flight, freeze response
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Eloise Tomkins: like the fight of I need to prove I'm better. So I need to one up them.
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Eloise Tomkins: and I've certainly done that before in my twenties. I thought that the only way that I would be interesting is if I lived overseas because I didn't think there was anything else that would be interesting about me. Obviously not true, but this is what can happen when self-worth and jealousy kick in. So we're not immune to it.
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Eloise Tomkins: We can kick into the flight mode, which is well, I won't ever be like her, anyway. So why bother? I'm just not even going to try. Yeah, and not trying means that you're not actually going to reach your goals, or you might hit in the freeze response, which is where? Huh?
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Eloise Tomkins: She's already ahead. I'm I have no chance of catching up so like there's no point.
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Eloise Tomkins: Or you might even hit the fawn response, which is where you try really hard to get that friends or person's approval, and getting their admiration kind of gives you a bit of a sense of validation and kind of like living vicariously through them, almost like a bit of a groupie.
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Eloise Tomkins: But when your nervous system actually feels safe, you can experience the emotion of jealousy because I'm not gonna lie when you regulate your nervous system. Emotions don't just magically disappear. They're still there. You just know how to use them. You just know how to use those emotions with a compass rather than getting caught in
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Eloise Tomkins: this really intense state, where you are in fight, flight, freeze, fawn constantly, and so, instead of getting sucked inwards, shame outwards, judgment. You can start to use that information and bring in evidence about what you want to do with your jealousy when it does hit.
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Eloise Tomkins: And so there's a 4 step process that you can use when jealousy hits.
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Eloise Tomkins: And the 1st step really simple is to name it.
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Eloise Tomkins: not avoid it, but to name it like. Hmm, okay, I'm feeling jealous.
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Eloise Tomkins: Breathe into that. Okay, okay, I am feeling jealous.
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Eloise Tomkins: And then when you're noticing that you can locate it in your body. Well, where do I feel jealous? I'm feeling jealous right now. Where do I feel that?
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Eloise Tomkins: And you might notice that jealousy is kind of just in your throat area, you might feel it in your stomach. You might feel it somewhere else.
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Eloise Tomkins: Just allow yourself to notice where jealousy sits in your body without shaming it without judging it.
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Eloise Tomkins: And then you can ask yourself like, Hey, I'm feeling jealous. I feel it in my throat area.
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Eloise Tomkins: What is it about this that's not feeling safe for me right now.
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Eloise Tomkins: What part of me is feeling like that's not possible for me.
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Eloise Tomkins: What am I making this mean about me
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Eloise Tomkins: when we start getting curious about our jealousy, it starts to give us some really rich information.
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Eloise Tomkins: and once we've been able to sit with and connect with that emotion. Then we can flip it
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Eloise Tomkins: because we're able to regulate. We can't do this. We can't do the flipping when we're not regulated.
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Eloise Tomkins: Okay?
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Eloise Tomkins: And when I say, flip it, we can think about it in terms of well, okay.
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Eloise Tomkins: this is how I'm feeling. And this means that
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Eloise Tomkins: there's something in here that I desire.
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Eloise Tomkins: and it's showing me what is possible for me in my life.
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Eloise Tomkins: And am I willing to let that be true for me?
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Eloise Tomkins: Am I willing to see this as a possibility for me, maybe not tomorrow. But am I willing to see that this is actually a possibility? If I truly desire this
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Eloise Tomkins: and notice how that sits in your body. Maybe there'll be a bit of resistance.
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Eloise Tomkins: Maybe you're there'll be parts of you that kind of kick up and go no wrong.
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Eloise Tomkins: And that's information. Again, this is all information. This is all data points.
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Eloise Tomkins: because the more that you can connect inwards with yourself, with your emotions, your desires, your jealousy.
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Eloise Tomkins: It helps you to know why you're going after the goals that you've got in your business.
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Eloise Tomkins: It gives you that understanding as to. I'm not just doing this for shits and giggles. I'm doing this because
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Eloise Tomkins: I want to have the kind of time freedom that she has.
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Eloise Tomkins: I'm doing this because I want to be able to go to the Spa with my mum on a Wednesday morning and not have to worry about
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Eloise Tomkins: sales coming in. I know that they're just rolling in.
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Eloise Tomkins: I want to be able to take my kid to dance class on a Thursday.
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Eloise Tomkins: Jealousy just helps us tap into those desires, and
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Eloise Tomkins: it isn't a petty emotion. We've been taught
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Eloise Tomkins: that it is. This is your invitation to start unteaching yourself, that it's petty. It is just an emotion. Emotions are primal. It's there for a reason. It's a data point, and it's your nervous system helping you to see what it wants
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Eloise Tomkins: and what it doesn't yet believe that it thinks it can have.
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Eloise Tomkins: That's all. Sounds simple. It sounds really simple in that kind of context. But my invitation to you is to let it help guide you rather than
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Eloise Tomkins: consume you.
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Eloise Tomkins: So
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Eloise Tomkins: my words got stuck, as always. I hope that this episode has been super helpful for you I had just been thinking about jealousy
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Eloise Tomkins: this week, and really wanted to share this conversation, and if you want to unpack yourself, if you want to unpack more about your own unique subconscious blocks, and how your nervous system holds onto this, then you might love the secret podcast that I have just released, which walks you through
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Eloise Tomkins: all of this, not the jealousy component explicitly, but it walks you through how all of your subconscious blocks and whatnot develop, and how your nervous system responds, and how that blocks you in terms of money, because these are conversations we need to have more of. And I want to open these conversations up so that you can get to know yourself better. The more you get to know yourself, the more money that you get to make the more fun you get to make in your business, and life
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Eloise Tomkins: just becomes easier. I don't know. Doesn't that sound good to me? It sounds really good. If it sounds good. To you, go check out the podcast otherwise, the secret podcast that is sorry because this is the podcast but go check out the secret one, and I can't wait to chat with you all again next week. Until then take care of yourselves and have fun in your business.
