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Welcome to Rich Woman Rising. I'm your host, Eloise Tompkins, and I'm a money coach and psychologist, and I help women just like you to rewire their nervous system's response to money so that you can make more of it without the anxiety and fear holding you back. And today I want to talk to you about a concept that has been playing on my mind a little bit through a recent, I guess, up level that I've observed myself go through over the last last 12 months. I was thinking 12 months, probably longer, but certainly something I've been noticing within myself. And I was thinking, how did I get here? And I realized this is why. So it made me think that it will be relevant to you as well. And I really wanted to share it.
So, imagine when you're a kid and you're at school, you know, you were getting fitted for a school uniform. Did anyone else hate? I hated going in and getting fitted for school uniforms, mostly because I was forced to wear dresses at school, which I hated. But gosh, that conditioning runs so deep around gender and what you should wear. Anyway, dresses. And I would always get a dress that was too big. That's what my parents would do. Buy a dress. It would be huge. I would be swimming in it. And as the time went on, it would become kind of like that perfect fit. And by the end of the year, it was too small and, like, you know, I would have shut up, you know, grown heaps, and the dress would be just super short, and it would be a super uncomfortable.
And we didn't choose that. We didn't choose a uniform or a lot of the times clothing that we got. And it was just given to you for a while, though. It worked. It worked in that middle point. Right. But eventually, you had to step into something bigger. And this is exactly how our identity works, especially as it relates to money. Identity isn't just who you are, which is what a lot of people think. And I see this with particularly people pleasing. I'm just a people pleaser. I'm like, no, you're not. You have been conditioned to be a people pleaser. But our identity is what has been being conditioned into us. Now, there are things, when I talk about being conditioned into us, what I mean by that is our experiences from our childhood, the beliefs that have kind of been passed on to us, the generational stuff that comes from not only our parents, but from generations before.
All of those things shape how we see ourselves and the world around us. It's almost like it's the lens in which we view the world from, which is why, you know, sometimes you'll come across somebody who has a completely different way of viewing the world as you. And you're like, how, how do you view the world in that way? That just makes no sense to me. You have had different experiences, different realities, and see the world in very, very different ways. And a lot of our identity isn't consciously chosen. We aren't born going, 'this is who I'm going to be.' And it's why you'll see, I don't know, siblings who are separated, you know, like at adoption, like they've been adopted into different families and they'll have different identities.
They're going to have some traits that are similar. They're going to have some characteristics, maybe some, um, um, heritable things that will be consistent between them, but ultimately they're going to have different identities in terms of the way that they see the world based on how they were raised. And we don't get to consciously choose that. It'd be nice if we did, but when we're born, we don't get to consciously choose it. It's just like the uniform it was given to you. And for a while that identity helped you fit in. It helped you, be a part of your family. It helped you maintain the status quo and it helped you fit in with school and the culture and the community around you.
And the problem is, it wasn't necessarily designed to stick with you forever, but we're still wearing that uniform, right? And if you want to actually make the money that you want in your business, you might need to think about, well, taking that uniform off. The reason that we absorb so much, um, of our identity or how we absorb so much of our identity is like really based on how the brain works. And you know that I love the brain, right? But I want to break down how our identity formation happens because I see it so often where, and for myself as well, like we walk around with this perception that this is just, this is just who I am. I am just this person who is never going to make the kind of money that I want.
Mine was my family. I come from a family that just doesn't make money. We don't make money in our family. That's just not what we do. I can't make money. I just have to work hard and hope for the best, work hard, be somewhat comfortable. That was my, um, identity around money. And I held onto that for a very long time until I realized that I was not the person I wanted to be. And I was not the person I wanted to be. And I realized, Oh, that's not actually my identity. That's my dad's identity. And he passed that on to me and I absorbed it. Not because there's anything wrong with me. Not because I wanted to, not because I had control over it, but because that's just how our brain develops until we decide something different from the ages of zero to seven.
Like, we're young, right? Like, we are super young and your brain is like a sponge, and it is just kind of absorbing all of the stuff that's going on around you in your life, in your environment. And your brain is programming itself based on the messages that you're receiving around everything. But in this case, like money, witnessing how your parents, uh, deal with money. Is there tension? Do they argue? Is it scary? Uh, do they say things like, if you ask, for a toy at the shops, do they shout at you? Like, what are those experiences like? And then your subconscious is making meaning of that. And it's programming all of these, uh, messages like, is there never enough? Oh, okay. Well, that's a bit scary. Uh, does money create stress?
Or is it a source of power in our household? Did one parent in your family hold more power over money than the other? All of those things will form part of your money identity. Then it will, also be forming things around like success. Do you have to work hard to be successful? Do you, um, do rich people get judged or, uh, what is it like when we drive past somebody who has an expensive car? Do my parents make a comment? Again, not things that we're consciously aware of. They're just programming into our brain and even things like self-worth. A lot of us were celebrated when we achieved something. Um, when we have achieved like an A at school, but then we didn't really get acknowledged when we got a C; it was like, well, well, you can do better than that.
Why did you get a C for? And that leads us to question, do I have to be good? Do I have to perform well to be accepted? And it's not just at school. It can be things like I've worked with a lot of elite athletes and they would tell me things like, 'I would only get praised if I got gold medal.' And if I didn't get a gold, then my parents would be like, 'What the fuck?' Or it might not be their parents. It might be their coaches. They would often talk about having coaches who were very strict and those experiences shaped their identity around work. And it's not just in their school or sporting or academic life.
It then filters across to business because when you have an identity, it doesn't-just go, oh, okay, well, that's great for sport. We'll just leave it there. No, it doesn't work that way. It comes across to all areas of your life. Then when we start to get a little bit older into I guess our early teens we start to let our brain is starting to learn by kind of repetition. So we've absorbed all of these patterns in our family. We've absorbed all of these dynamics. We've kind of figured out where we fit in the family. And then they get reinforced by things like you know family expectations. And you might've heard I don't know in your family things like well this is just how we do things in this family.
And you might think that it's a stupid way of doing things but you're a kid. You can't say that. Like it's really difficult to challenge that. Right? So that's the way you do things. Or maybe at school, there was this sense of, you just follow the rules. Don't challenge the system. And if you do something that is a little bit left of center, then you get in trouble for it. And some kids do go down that path. And, um, I have a lot of views around school and education and academic academics, uh, because I think that academia is not the only way to teach, but anyway, that's a side point. I used to be a school teacher and, um, hated it, but I have a lot of views around school and authority and, and how schools run, because I think too many kids need to follow a set structure.
Anyway, I'm going down the garden path, but how we are at school can influence our identity as well. And there's not, I guess the reason that it bugs me so much is because there's not a lot of opportunity for kids to really form their own identity. They're really boxed into 'you do it our way.' You need to fit in with what is already happening in the world rather than allowing that kid the opportunity to have a little bit more freedom to express themselves and to develop themselves in a way that feels good to them. And that then leads to us as adults kind of going, 'who the fuck am I?' And how did I get this identity? I didn't sign up for this. Um, and you're right.
You didn't sign up for this. It was just kind of handed to you, which is why we're talking about it today, because you actually have the power to change it. You just need to actually be aware that you have the power to change it. Um, and then also, uh, and you'll hear me talk about this a lot. Is that a social conditioning right off, um, well, good girls are quiet and good girls do this and blah, blah, blah. Um, I remember when I was in year seven at school, we had this stupid thing where you had to, you got to take a day off, um, but work at school. So you wouldn't be in classes, you would be working and you would be doing your homework.
So you wouldn't be in classes, you would be working and you would be doing things that like admin needed help with; all the teachers needed help with. So for example, back in my day, we would have manual rolls and we would have to have all the rolls printed out for all of the classes, all across the school. And we'd have to go to every single class and get the teacher to take the roll. And I walked into one classroom and it was a teacher who was very strict and fierce. And quite frankly, she intimidated the heck out of me. So I walked into her classroom. And she was teaching like an older year level. And I was intimidated. I was in Year Seven.
I was like this, you know, little, um, French fry of a kid and walking into this older class. Like I was terrified and my words wouldn't come out. And she, um, yelled at me in front of the entire class. And I was mortified because I was, I remember just thinking like, I didn't mean it. I was just really, really anxious. And. She made a comment, you know, like 'you, you don't act like that.' And I internalized that like, oh, okay. Um, you don't act like that. You like, if I, if I'm quiet and I can't get my words out, or if I experience anxiety, like that's a bad thing. Like that's bad. And, um, funnily enough, it just made me more anxious around her, but that's how we start shaping our behavior to fit in.
So in her classes, I tried really hard to be the kind of student that I was supposed to be. And I was like, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to be the kind of student that she wanted, not because I wanted to be, but because that's what I thought I needed to do, like in that moment to fit in. And so when we learn, okay, well, hard work is praised. Then we overachieve because we get praise or if money is a touchy subject at home, we learn not to talk about it. Or, if wealth is judged in our household, like you drive past a car and that's an expensive car. And, um, you know, I'm not going to talk about it.
I'm not going your parents make a comment like, 'Oh, well, they have loads of money.' And if said in a really mocking, condescending tone, you learn to associate wealth as bad. And so, you're going to subconsciously reject it because, if you have wealth, then in a child part of you thinks that you're going to get rejected by your parent-not logical, not conscious. I know these are the depths of our identity though, and how they can influence us. And so what then happens is by the time we get to adulthood, we are no longer absorbing our identity. It is living. We are living it. And so, so it is kind of a part of us now.
And before we were just kind of trying it on and then it fit, it fit while it fit, while it worked and now it's too tight and it's strangling us, but we're going to keep wearing it anyway, because we don't know that. We can take it off. And what that looks like is, you know, like if, if we do have these beliefs of money being hard to make, then we kind of push it away. And I know I have been guilty of this, you know, like working with coaches and they're like, Oh, well, have you tried this? I'm like, no, it doesn't work; not going to work for me. And now I look at that and I'm like, Oh, okay. Yeah. That was my fear coming out.
Subconsciously trying to push it away because I am not the kind of person who can make money, which is my identity. So my brain is going to reinforce that. Or if you believe that people who do have money, who are wealthy, are going to be judged, then you're not, you're going, you're more likely to play small, right? Like you're more likely to stay stuck doing the same things in your business, even though you say you want more because deep down, maybe you're aware of it. Maybe you're not aware of it. Maybe you're not aware of it. Because there's this deep-rooted subconscious cord within you that says, that's just not what you do. That's not; that's not your identity. That doesn't fit. And your identity, like, the thing is, it can feel like who you are.
And I think this is the really difficult thing because it just feels like, this is who I am. And I know for me, it was very much like that. Like, this is just who I was. I didn't think that I could be somebody who will one, ran my own business or two could make money running my own business. Like, I just did not believe that could be my identity because your identity is, can be so like a glove, right? Like it fits, even though it's a glove, that's kind of strangling you. Because it doesn't, you don't feel aligned. You know, that there's something different out there, but it also seems so far away. It's kind of like if you had an alternate reality, and I used to say this to myself, like, oh, well, if I had different parents, or if I had parents that, um, were emotionally supportive, then maybe I could have been that person.
Maybe I could have been that person who ran a business and, um, made multiple seven figures and did this and this and this. And, but then I would say to myself, but I wasn't. So this is my reality. This is my life. This is what I'm stuck in. This is what I'm trapped as. But then one day I woke up, and I-okay, it was a bit more than just waking up and realizing. Um, I had this experience and I, I feel like I've shared this before. You might've heard this already, but I had this experience where one day my dad had called me at like eight o'clock in the morning. And I am not a morning person. I also struggled with that part of my identity for a long time because I really wanted to be a morning person.
I am not a morning person. I anyway, cannot be a morning person. Woke up in the morning to hear my dad's-uh, a call from my dad. And I didn't answer, but I did. And I picked up the phone. I was like, you know, what do you want? Um, because we'd had a fight the day before and I was annoyed that he was calling. Anyway, turns out he was having a stroke and called an ambulance, saved his life, wonderful daughter, all of that jazz. And then a couple of months after his recovery, he came to my house. He sat on my couch, he sat beside me and started to get involved in this money conversation. And money with us was like the, the elephant in the room, yeah.
Thinking about who had power in the household, he had power around money and he would use that power against me as a way, uh, to show love. Um, and, and it would kind of be our dynamic, and it wasn’t healthy. I didn’t realize it though at the time, because again, it was my identity. Didn’t realize I knew that I didn’t like it. I knew that it was holding me back, but I didn’t realize I could actually change it. And now I look back, and I’m like, oh my God, like, wow, that’s wild. I’ve come so far, but at the time that was my reality. Anyway, we had this massive blow up where he kept talking about money.
I didn’t want to talk about it because I knew how the conversation would end up. And he looked at me and for the very first time, he said the thing that had always underlined everything he'd thought, but he'd never said out loud. He looked at me and he shouted at me, 'You'll be nothing without me.' And I was like, 'Oh my God,' I've given so much weight to this man who never has believed in my ability to create my own success. And I have been sabotaging myself to fit into his beliefs about me. And it was just this massive wake-up moment that I had where I was like, 'Holy fuck,' I've been playing into this. And the only person who has benefited is him.
And it wasn't even benefiting him because nothing I did, even if it was aligned with what he said he wanted, was never enough. So something snapped in my mind at that moment. And I was like, oh shit, I only have one life. And that was my turning point. And from there, like I've not looked back. I have been peeling back the layers upon layers of what my conditioned, identity was and choosing what parts to let go of because they don't belong to me and I don't want them, and choosing to step into who I am. And, you know, I think it can be a path of self-discovery because when you have this identity that has been part of you for such a long time, letting go of that can feel really confronting.
And some people don't want to let go. I used to see this all the time as a psychologist. I would have clients that would come in and they would be like, 'My mother is toxic.' And they were right. And they'd be like, 'But this is just how it is. This is just the dynamic. This is just how it is.' So I'm here because I want to learn how to manage that. I don't want to change the relationship. I don't want to cut contact. I want to learn how to manage better. And it would be really difficult because I'd kind of reached that point where they recognized incongruence with their identity and their reality. And they wanted to shift their identity, but they really struggled to do that.
And so sometimes shedding parts of our identity can be really fucking hard, really fucking uncomfortable. And also, really fucking liberating. Because when you step into who you are and who you want to be, I hate this saying, well, no, I don't hate the saying. I hate that I'm going to be cliché about it. The world becomes your oyster because you get to do you, you get to live life on your way, on your terms. You get to write the rules. You write the rule book. And that's not saying you become an absolute bitch because a lot of people think, well, if I step into my life, I'm going to be a nice person. If I step into my identity, I'm not going to be a nice person anymore.
Because if I step into my identity, I'm going to; that means I'll be a bit more assertive. I'll have some boundaries. And we associate that with a negative connotation. No, that's conditioning. You can absolutely be a nice person and have boundaries and be assertive. All three of those things can exist. Living proof. I'm not always nice because sometimes people don't deserve nice, but you can be a nice person and run a wildly successful business. They are not mutually exclusive. But most people get stuck for two reasons. And we've kind of touched on one. The two reasons are they don't question their identity. They just go with the status quo. And I see that with people. I feel so sad for those people. But they don't even question it.
They just, then they just roll with it. Then there are the other people who I kind of spoke about before, which they kind of see their identity and they see that it's keeping them stuck, but they kind of dip one toe in and go, 'Ooh, it's uncomfortable.' I don't know if I like what I'm going to find on the other side, because I'm really fucking scared. And I get it. I get that the fear can be a little bit scary. I get it. Like I, I, was there as well, but that's another thing that holds you back, right? Like that fear of who you have the potential to be is what's holding you back. Because what if, who you are meant to be is an amplified version of who you already are?
Like, wouldn't that be fucking cool? Imagine the impact that you could make, right? Imagine how many more, more people you could help. If you stepped into your power, if you stepped into the potential of who, you know, you could be a lot of times when I do this work with clients, like my site clients, um, and I distinguish between my site clients and my coaching clients, um, for a reason. And the reason that I distinguish between the two is because, um, my coaching clients, um, I have a lot of clients that I have already done a lot of, um, the therapy work before they've kind of walked this path and they have this awareness. Um, whereas with my psychology clients, we're kind of, we're starting, uh, I guess earlier in the journey, um, a lot of the time.
And, uh, it's a lot of kind of just awakening, like, Oh my God. And like it's deer in headlights kind of a thing. And I have had some beautiful clients where site clients where, where they're like, Oh, Ellie, sometimes I just want to go back on the other path, the path of the old identity and the path of not knowing. I'm like, look, I totally get it. Totally get it. Um, because sometimes that familiar is safe, right? We like to be safe. That familiarity also gets you to the place that you already know. You're very familiar with where the place is that, you know, and choosing to explore your identity, choosing to explore whether or not your beliefs serve you, whether your thoughts are serving you, whether your choices and behaviors align with who you are can be kind of confronting and it doesn't have a path of certainty.
It doesn't guarantee the same familiarity. I would argue that that path actually guarantees joy, happiness, and contentment, even if it's hard. And a lot of times we don't want to let that go because of what feels safe in the moment. And sometimes it means letting go of things that we didn't expect to let go of. And I think that's a really important part of the process to let go of. I remember, um, someone said to me once, like, 'Oh my goodness, Ellie, if I ever worked with you, uh, I think I would divorce my husband.' And I felt really sad because I was thinking to myself, actually, a friend helped me realize this the other day, because I was sharing this with them.
And they said, 'So what they heard was that if I worked with you, I would feel so empowered and I would feel so motivated and so fucking confident in myself that I would have no fear.' And I was like, 'Huh?' Yeah. But they didn’t want that. They didn’t want that identity for themselves because that would come at a cost for something that would be too difficult for them at that point in time. And I get it. Sometimes we don’t want to shift our identity or maybe we want to, um, play around with it. And we, you know, don’t want to dive all in and look, I don’t want you to dive all in either. I think diving all in to, um, shift an identity, like that’s tough, right?
Like we don't want to do that, but at the same time, we want to do it in a way that is gradual, which is exactly why I've created, um, Regulate to Riches, which is a program that helps you start that nervous system shift because ultimately our identity is so familiar, not just our beliefs, not just the way that we think, not just the way that we speak and behave. But it is also embedded in our nervous system because what our nervous system views as familiar and safe is what we're going to seek out and what we're going to replay. So I created regulate to riches so that you have the opportunity to be able to shift your nervous system's response to wealth, um, in a gradual process, be able to have bite-sized micro experiences that help to regulate the nervous system so that you can begin, that identity shift.
So I'm going to pop the link of that in the show notes for you to take a bit of a look at, but what I really want you to understand is that your identity that you have, that was wired for your early survival as a child, you needed it to survive. But now you are an adult, your subconscious, your brain has not caught up to that. It doesn't care. It doesn't care. It doesn't care what your goals are. I'm sorry. It doesn't care. But if you want to step into that expansive version of yourself, then think about your identity and how that fits in there and how that shapes who you are, because when you shift your identity and stop wearing that identity, that doesn't fit you anymore.
I guarantee business boom, money, boom, life boom. You will not know yourself. In the best possible way. And if that sounds scary to you right now, I want you to know that is absolutely normal. There is a very understandable reason that you might be feeling scared. And that is exactly a sign that you need to look into identity. So thank you for listening. I am so grateful that you are here and that you tune into the podcast episode. One other ask that I have for you is that if you do love the podcast, please leave a review, um, on the podcast, uh, platform, not just a, uh, star rating, but if you can leave some words as well, that'll really help the podcast get out to even more women who need to heal their relationship with money. So that would mean the absolute world. Um, and if you do leave a review, send me an email, uh, Eloise at Eloise Tompkins . com. And I will give you the link to the podcast. So if you have any questions, a discount code that you can use to regulate to riches. Um, on that note, I'm going to leave you today and I can't wait to chat to you all again next week. I'll see you there.
